Da FUCK?!

fall is coming and i'm feeling good. i'm getting excited about school and i'm really enjoying my time in frederick. i'm gonna try to visit boston soon. I think i'm gonna go to california for like 2 weeks. just for a change of scenery and a visit. also, mexico city for new years is lookng increasingly possible. i wish travel was cheaper  :( i won't really be making any money while i'm at school, so i want to have enough left over to travel next summer.

want and desire are such seemingly human feelings.

i feel empty, slightly nauseous, restless. a pulling desperate aching feeling in the pit of my chest

i can't imagine animals ever feel this way.

i miss istvan. i miss france.

when istvan frequently emails me, i get annoyed and think "just leave me alone, get over me" but when i don't hear from him for a while, i start to miss him a lot, and have to hold myself back from emailing him "i miss you i want you i think about you all the time!" because that would take us right back to where we started. we're at a point now where we stay in contact, but we never talk about "us." just about our recent lives and that sort of thing. the thing is, i don't even want to be with him. at least not now. i want to go back to the maison des bateleurs where we were living in a totally different world and existence and we were untouchable and everything was perfect. but now, back in the real world, i know it wouldn't be the same, and i don't have any desire to try. he showed signs of being hot headed, jealous, stubborn- all qualities that, in the real world, would have been immediate deal breakers- so i know it wouldn't work. but THERE, somehow they didn't matter and they rarely came into play. i guess its more about nostalgia than anything. its weird, i don't know about other people, but nostalgia has always been a rather unpleasant feeling for me. its so bittersweet and it fills me with that aching longing feeling i was talking about earlier. it makes me restless and sad. if i think about france within a few hours of going to bed, i'll lay there, unable to sleep, my mind replaying all my memories, me getting sadder and more lonely, the ache of wanting getting stronger and stronger. I want to ride my bike to get bread from Stephane le boulanger and end up lost on a dirt road between two sunflower fields. i want to watch merline catch and play with -but never kill- mice in the back yard, shoo her out of the kitchen, pet her on the windowsill. i want to listen to drum circles around a huge bonfire. i want to have amazing sex -no, make love- in a twin bed in a tiny candle-lit loft, wake up in eachother's arms before sunrise, and sneak back to our beds. GAAAAHHHH! i want to go back so bad. If i had stayed there for several months-like most people do, i can't imagine trying to come back to...this...    its a completely different dimension. and its perfect...


its 8:30 now, and i probably wont be able to get to sleep tonight, because i've been thinking about this too much.

Fucking terrifying:






Yesterday after work i got a massage from kevin and it was super relaxing. unfortunately, i feel my back tensing up again already. I'm holding all my stress in my right shoulder blade area. i think it might be barista related- because i'm constantly holding my arm in a weird, shoulder up, elbow elevated sort of way.

I went to Audrey's after work and we smoked and ate doritos and talked for hours. It was really great and fun and funny. Just a really good vibing group of people.

My bike was supposed ot be fixed today, but turns out there's damage to the wheel, so the new tire just popped instantly. Jesse's gonna look for a new wheel for me in his bulk trash night search tonight. Its not even gonna be my bike, my uncle's giving me his super nice, barely ridden bike- so i'm giving this one to alex. but i don't have my nice bike yet, and i just really felt like a bike ride today, so i'm a little bummed.

I'm supposed to go to poker night at jon's tomorrow night, but i'm not sure if i feel like it. I want to go so i can get a feel for the situation between us, cuz lately i've started doubting how much i originally thought he was into me. But at the same time, i don't really want to go cuz i'm horrible at poker and i don't really even know the rules, so i feel kind of foolish (and its not that fun) just hanging out when everyone else is playing. and also, i'm not really comfortable like, being flirtatous around other people's friends. and its all his friends and then me. so i don't wanna be all awkward and give him the idea i'm not interested. but actually i don't know whether or not i'm interested, which is why i should go and get a feel for him blah blah blah blah........

i'm STILL not able to begin the grieving process for my grandpa and its making me feel horrible. I just can't, no matter how hard i force myself, come to terms with the fact that he's dead. It just doesn't seem real at all. I'm trying, unsuccessfully, to force myself to grieve, because i feel like a horrible person for not having a strong enough emotional response to it. I feel numb and emotionless and coldhearted. i should be devastated he was one of the most quality people i know and we were really close, and i'm kind of horrified that i'm just not reacting. I worry that sonewhere along the way i got too lazy to feel and that now i've fucked myself up permanently and there's no going back and i'll never feel or be in touch with my emotions again. I know that's probably not true, and i'm just overreacting and you can't force these things, and it'll come with time, but it's been a week now, and its tearing me up inside that its not tearing me up inside. I'm too fucking analytical. I thought i got past it, and i did get a lot better about it, but old habits die hard. And rather than just letting things take their course, i have in my mind this preconception of how i SHOULD be feeling, and i'm running through the worst case scenarios of why i'm not.  Also, Marie doesn't want to have a funeral, which i was really counting on to be the slap of reality i needed to realize how final death is and really deal with it.

Lately I've been feeling really good actually. Work is awesome. I love all the people i'm surrounded by. I'm optimistic. But when i DO think about the situation i'm in and how happy i am despite the tradgedy my family is experiencing, i start to feel guilty. fuuuuuuuuck i need to just laissez faire

God, one more reason to think anderson cooper is awesome.





Also:

Dave drove me and alex to baltimore last night to see Vince in the hospital. It was really hard and really sad to see him like that. But i'm glad we went.  I was having a hard time facing it and wasn't able to get sad about it- and that made me feel really bad, because i didn't/couldn't have an emotional response or connection to it. But going, seeing him, getting sad, crying... it all helped make the situation more real, so i can face it, accept it, and deal with it. It was really cathartic. He's at peace with it. And i guess its good that it was pretty sudden like this, rather than it being a long drawn out kind of thing. We don't know how long it'll be, but it probably won't be very long at all.
As soon as we walked out of the hospital, it started pouring rain. and it was torrential downpour for the rest of the night. It was nice though. It made it easier to be sad.

I'm worried about alex. She's leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks. And odds are, he's gonna go while she's gone. And I know that'll be really hard for her. Plus, she'll feel guilty for not bing here.






I'm going to Blaise's birthday party in a little bit . there's gonna be delicious food, wine, instruments, awesome people, and possibly a hot tub.

Tomorrow i think i'm gonna go to poker night at Jon's house. I told him I couldn't come over last night bacause i had family stuff i had to deal with. I didn't want to drag him into my heavy personal stuff, so i wasn't specific. But he was so sweet about it. He was just like, i hope everything's alright. stay up girl. I'm realizing more and more that he's just a really sweet guy. I'm gonna see where this goes.

I've been making bank barista-ing. I have no idea how much i'm making, but its a lot. I should start keeping track. just out of curiousity

vince is really sick. he's in the hospital and they dont know what's wrong with him, but they think its pretty serious. i just want to see him

ugh, regret is one of the worst feelings. As fall approaches and people are preparing to go back to school, i think about going to brandeis in the spring, and i'm just not excited.  ...at all.     and I think that's a pretty bad sign, because i should be really really excited about it. I'm just realizing more and more that I think I made the wrong choice. I should've gone to RIT.  But Brandeis was so cheap. like $2200/year? And i was afraid of being isolated in Rochester. But The more i think about it, the less attractive Boston seems (which aside from cost, was the only other "pro" for Brandeis).  gaaaahhhhhh. and Now I've made my bed and I have to lie in it. And I know I can transfer out of Brandeis after the frist semester, but then i'll only have one semester done, and so i'll be in a weird position when i transfer. Plus, I'm totally gonna miss out on the "new freshman" experience, because i'll be going to brandeis midyear and then going to whatever new school i pick as a transfer. I just wish i could go back and NOT pick brandeis. It's a really good school, I'm just not excited about it at all. In fact, I'm kind of dreadding it. And I want to be excited for school. it just kinda sucks.





In lighter news, Bailzey and Android are in town!!!!

last night around 9 i got a call from Yahya- the sexy german- apologizing for not showing up earlier , because he couldn't get a ride and didnt have my number to tell me he couldn't make it. (he was supposed to meet me at nola at 3, and i waited for him and he didn't show up. so i emailed him my number if he still wanted to try to do something). he asked me to meet him downtown and walk around and "show him the city."

we walked around, bought a bottle of wine and drank it in baker park. We talked a lot. He's a student studying visual communications. he works as a bartender in a high end restaraunt in Frankfurt, where he lives. He's half Jewish-half Muslim. 6'4".

the night went like this: wine, trespassing, fucking, swimming, fucking, McDonalds.

As far as one night stands go, I'd call this one a success.

why is it that men only want to fuck me or marry me, but none of them seem to want to date me?

i got proposed to again tonight.     2 times in one month, i think that's some sort of record.

It was this fine ass german guy named yahya (yeah, the name's kind of a turn off, but it suits him i suppose. i looked it up out of curiousity, and its the name of an islamic prophet). really tall, skinny, dark hair, sort of scruffy beginnings of a beard. he and 2 friends were in frederick for vacation because one of the friends has family here. they were just getting drinks, so rather than have julien deal with them, i just took the table. I had my eye on him since he came in, cuz he's super hot. And as he got a little drunker and the evening went on, he started to flirt. It's weird how when hot foreign guys ask you to marry them, its like, cute and funny and flattering. I've never been proposed to by an american, so I don't know, but I feel like it'd definitely be weirder. I guess when they're not from here, you can just be like, i'm flattered, but we live in different countries, sorry. But if it was some guy from frederick, it'd be like, wait, is he serious?

anyway, super hot, kept kissing my hand and told me i'm welcome to visit him in germany any time, asked me if i believe in love at first sight- its weird, istvan asked the same thing our first night together- to which i replied, I don't know. but actually, i don't believe in love at first sight, i believe in LUST at first sight, which can lead to getting to know someone, which can lead to love. But i don't think you can LOVE someone you don't know. But a strong immediate physical attraction could definitely turn into something if you let it. ANYWAY. he invited me to DC tomorrow night with him and his friends for his birthday- he's turning 24- and I kinda want to go, just because initially I was like, obviously I'm not gonna go, but the more i thought about it, the more I was like, dude, why the fuck not?! this guy is super fucking sexy and is really into you. He seems like a cool/good guy. You're young, he's going back to germany on monday, so its not like you'll have to deal with it after he's gone. So... I have to work tomorrow night, but I can probably get out of it. But I'm not sure, they're probably going to bars, in which case, i can't really go anyway. He gave me his email and made me promise to email him and try to get out of work tomorrow night, I guess i'll do that now.  ugh, he's really fine. too bad he's not staying for like, another week, so we could go on a date or something. And I could be his american fling. ooh baby.

still putting off the france entry. but since i've been back, here's what's up

I'm doing editing work for a guy adam assists all the time, Rob Rooy. He's paying me $12/hr to do basic final cut pro stuff. I worked for him wednasday and thursday and made $72. Awesome! He's super nice too.

We're shooting a calendar for Nola. It was inevitable. Julien already shot his page. It's him in Doug's clawfoot bathtub full of soymilk (and flour and water, to look like soy milk) and he's like, pouring soymilk all over himself. haha. Doug shot his too, But I'm not quite as sure what it is, All i know is its him in orange fishnets and booty shorts oiled up with cooking spray.... haha.  Ghjinn is gonna be topless in a cornfield with sunflowers over her boobs. I'm teaming up with Joe, because turns out, we both wanted to do something pancake-related, so we're gonna do, "Joe's Pancake Fantasy" and he's gonna be on satin sheets covered in pancakes and powdered sugar and syrup and I'm gonna be the "pancake nurse" which isn't actually a nurse at all, just a girl who makes and feeds him pancakes all day hahaha

I'm going to grassroots next weekend and its gonna be super cool. I'm staying with my cousin max and working at his girlfriend's mom's foodstand as a lemonade girl, so i get in free. hopefully i'll be able to take a car, otherwise the bus ride is like 15 hours.... no thank you.

I emailed Istvan on wednesday and i haven't heard from him since. I think it was a pretty solid email though. I still feel bad, but that's unavoidable. And i don't necesssarily expect to hear back from him.

Alex and I wanted to go on a bike ride last night, so we went to goodwill and i bought a $10 bike. Its pretty sweet. but turns out the tires have holes in them. so i have to get that fixed. I borrowed joe's bike instead.

sunday after brunch we're all going to greenbrair to have a belated birthday party for Amber, Doug's daughter. She's so cute, we all love her. so I'm pumped for that. There's gonna be a pinata...